A Love That Heals

I recently learned about something called attachment styles—a concept in psychology that explains how we tend to connect with others. The terms are not so important as having helpful ways to describe these dynamics. Learning about these opened up a new lens—not just for understanding my blind spots, but for having more grace and clarity in the way I see others, too.

The idea is simple: how we were emotionally cared for as children tends to shape the way we respond to closeness, conflict, and emotional needs as adults.

Hey, That Makes Sense

I didn’t realize I had a problem of feeling anxious whenever I couldn’t tell what someone was thinking or feeling. But I learned that it was unhealthy. It was a muscle I overworked in dealing with fears and unpredictable parents.

When Love Becomes Real

What stood out to me most was how attachment styles reveal deeper emotional needs. Each one shows a universal longing: to feel safe, understood, and loved without fear. And it hit me—God addresses these needs perfectly. His love isn’t abstract.

Through scripture, through the life of Jesus, and through the ongoing work of grace, he enters the very places where these attachment wounds form and heals them—simply by being who he is. Let’s unpack these, and see how God is present in each one.

1. Secure Attachment – “I can trust and be trusted.”

This is the kind of connection where a person feels safe, seen, and supported—and can offer that same presence to others. People with secure attachment tend to have a balanced view of themselves and of others. It doesn’t mean perfect, just grounded.

Reading this reminded me that God’s love is the most secure place we can return to. It’s steady. Unshaken by mood swings or performance. “You are my beloved” isn’t just a line in the Bible—it’s a safe space for us to exist.

2. Anxious Attachment – “If I’m not close, I’ll be forgotten.”

This one is marked by a deep fear of abandonment. People with this style might need a lot of reassurance and often overthink interactions, wondering if they’ve done something wrong.

I saw myself here in certain seasons—times when I was unsure of my worth and tried to earn connection through focusing on other’s needs. But Psalm 27:10 reminds me that love from God isn’t fragile or conditional: “Even if my mother and father forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” That truth brings peace, even when my feelings lag behind.

3. Avoidant Attachment – “If I get too close, I’ll lose myself.”

Avoidant attachment tends to look like independence or emotional distance, but often it’s a response to past experiences where vulnerability felt unsafe. When people pull away or minimize their needs, it’s often not because they don’t care—it’s because closeness once came with cost.

This reminded me of how easy it is to think we’re “fine” on our own. It’s easier to just step away than try to fix the problem. It’s safer. But we were created for connection—not just with God, but with each other. And while love always involves risk, the right kind of love—God’s love—never manipulates, overwhelms, or leaves us.

4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) – “I want closeness, but I don’t know if I can trust it.”

This style is often a mixture of the last two. People long for connection but fear it at the same time. It can come from chaotic or traumatic early experiences, and can make relationships feel confusing or exhausting.

Healing takes time, and God is not in a hurry. He doesn’t shame us for our current struggles. He walks with us. Psalm 147:3 says, “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” That’s not poetic fluff. It’s a reliable promise of God’s care for the lowest points in our lives.

Self-awareness isn’t selfish—it’s a better way to love and be loved.

We all carry baggage from the past. But the love of God meets us there—not to scold us, but to shape us. With time, we can learn new ways of relating, and maybe more importantly, offer others the same grace that powerfully heals us.

— Amenda